*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
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This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship