if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
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Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.