Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
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Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.