Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
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I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife