Just got to our Airbnb!
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My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house