Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
2022 be like
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.