Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
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When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
Not messing around
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…