Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
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Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Think I pulled my liver
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.