me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
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Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I can’t stop laughing at this
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)