I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.