I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
You Might Also Like
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall