Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
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[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.