I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I feel attacked.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.