Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
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In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*