A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
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If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Who does Amazon think I am?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else