I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
birds and squirrels envy us
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.