every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
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Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.