let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
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the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.