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DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
My dad is at it again
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.