My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
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Harsh but fair
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Breaking news:
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda