I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
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Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Breaking news:
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
A new level of troll.