if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
You Might Also Like
good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”