Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
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best first i’ve ever seen
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
それは草
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important