Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
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My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it