Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
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Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings