Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
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Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
me, too, girl. me, too.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle