Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
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Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”