[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
You Might Also Like
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I am also baked goods
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”