Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.