HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.