If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”