[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*