Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
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Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs