Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
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Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up