Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Body by sandwich.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER