That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
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People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.