Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.