ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
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Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!