I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
You Might Also Like
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
#Caturday
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
me: my friends:
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME