My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
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Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”