at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
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Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
This is I, Robot all over again
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.