I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”