YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
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[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Note to self: I am a note
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
when you are just born a rebel
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus