All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Real House Wines.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.