Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
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*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit