Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
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9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
how much for the angry fruit?
These 3D printers are insane!
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there