“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
You Might Also Like
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs