As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
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Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…