ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman