You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.